Back. for good?

call me egotistical, attention-seeking or just plain nosy but i miss lunarstorm. i miss blogging and being able to spy on the people reading them. it was great. and ive even tried to access their swedish site and blog away on there, the only place ive ever felt completely "safe" to blog onto but you need a kind of civic registration number that you get a as a swedish national. as im not a swedish national, i aint got a number.
annoying also because i was happily guessing my way through swedish on the website and only needed a free translation site once, to google "Personnumret stämmer inte." which is the number i need and dont have. i could have learnt a new language there.
instead im back on here, psyching myself up over the course of whenever to start writing whatever it is that i really feel and stop talking about the things that really aren't that interesting.

from the state of my room, myself and the fact that ive gone from healthy eating to stuffing my face, plus the insomnia,it all tells me that im not feeling too brilliant at the moment. there's no reason apart from the reason that's been haunting me since i was seventeen. but for the moment im trying to block that out. ive talked about it far far far too much and ive got almost nowhere so im reverse psychologing myself and seeing what happens when i dont talk or write about it. the only thing that happens is that i think about it. more than what i managed to reduce it to which was a midly irritating, sometimes insistent niggling in the far right of my head. no need to mention the ache and squeezing-the-air-out-of-my lung feeling that i get too.

they have done studies that prove that heartache is the equal to physical pain. no fucking shit. if scientists took time out to read a little poetry they would realise that not all poets are the overly sensitive types but usually the ones who manage to convey how getting your heart broken is the same feeling as throwing your heart into a blazing inferno, having it trampled on by the entire us army twice, and then giving it to a pack of sex starved, testostrone fuelled lions.
it aint pretty.

needless to say. no matter how much i convince myself otherwise. i'm not over it.