bloggedly blog

So...... two days to go andn im feeling quite alright about it really. not that nervous, not that excited just, something i knew was going to happen and now its happening and its all good.

im much more worried about the fact that actually when my hair was a bit of a ginger colour, it looked alright, and suited me, and now i have more spots. so thats not good.

so i need to make upify lots and then it'll be alright.

on another note, my sister is trying to stretch my ears. ow.

meh il write this later.

health kick

I've had such a relaxing few days of basically doing fuck all. and it's been lovely. managed to get halfway through a journal of the plague year which im going to go and try and hack through again after getting this written and having some healthy dinner.

I've decided to go on a proper health kick because I've realised that i always think im really healthy when I'm clearly very not healthy. So, it's all salad and vitamins from now on. well, not all the time, and this is where i fall down, like last night, after having a really healthy day, i had a glass of baileys and a magnum and tonight is pizza and vodka, because instead of paying money to go out clubbing or for a meal, we're just gonna sit in instead which is good. because ive spent about 40 something pounds this week and im classing that as "not spending much" which i guess it isnt, but when you realise that until i get a job at uni i have only very bare minimum savings to live off, its not good.

hopefuly il get a job pretty quick and once i get my timetable sorted i can work about 4 days and some nights. depending on what happens i might get two jobs although i know that i've got to read lots and i think journal of the plague year has indicated how hard it is to read some books. its only a small book and normally i would have had it finished in a day but, its very rambly and i have a lack of concentration at the moment.

so maybe il just get one job.

but next week i already need to buy Kt Tunstall and yes it is a need, but il be off to morriosons as they're only 7 quid for new chart releases. and i need a frying pan, a can opener and possibly a cheese grater.
i need to get the boxes down from the loft and see what i have because this time next week it'll be the day before im of down there for goooood.

and i need to email the accommodation office on monday cos i wanna know where im staying. im sure id find out sooner or later but id rather it was sooner.

i also need a white shirt and black shorts for school disco night and yay my legs are finally get them out worthy so im chuffed about that.

i also need to freeze my gym membership until xmas when im sure il probably need it.

i could do with a spray tan but its out of the question and i could also do with a cut and colour but thats not gonna happen for a while either.

i know this has turned into a list of needs and wants but its not like anyone is reading this anyway so i mayaswell use it as a diary/planner.

hungry now but the kitten is on me and i dont wanna move him.

Pursuit of happiness

Life is Good.

So, because life is so good, I'm on a mission to make it even better and make sure that it stays forever at a rate of ten smiles a day. Sounds random? it is. But honestly, I don't think I've ever been this happy, with the happiness just coming from within. You know, I'm not happy cos this girl is texting me or that girl kissed me or whatever, I'm just happy being me. I cant think of anything worse than a relationship right now which is soooo funny considering how i have spent the last 3/4 years of my life going from a relationship, to wanting one, to being in one and now, right now, i don't even miss the sex, let alone the cuddles or the presents. Yeah i know that you can see my priorities from the list what with sex coming first and all but, i was never like that really.... it wasnt JUST about the sex. because if it was, i dont think that long distance relationships are really the best way to gurantee sex on a regular basis. but to be honest, i'd scream if i was in a relationship right now, and much as i am happy for everyone and anyone who's making all googly eyes a lot of the time i just want to yell at them to open their stupid googly eyes and just look. around.

but, that is just one sided because, if i was in a fulfiling beautiful relationship, id look at all the single people and be like "aww isnt it a shame you have noone to say they love you" etc etc and im sure at one point i either have done or will do exactly that. but, right now, i just want to rub my beautiful fulfiling relationship with myself in everyone's faces.

and i know that, this is all very ego tripping and "arent i a mother fucking brilliant person" which sounds so up myself its unreal but, for the first time in a very long time, i dont hate myself, i dont need other people to love what i cant love in myself, i dont crave compliments, attention, admiration. I dont need to hear their declarations of undying love. because i've stopped the hating. and only on a simple level. i still hate my spots, wish i was taller, thinner, had the ability to stop a room but, in another way, i dont want all that, and i'm happy without it. really really happy.

and because, i have a tendency to get happy and then get really sad and urgh and especially because it's getting on for winter which is not my best time of year happiness wise, i am thinking of what i can do to continue the happy feeling.

i have noticed in myself, that i have a severe lack of concentration at the moment, and i definately need to perhaps calm down a bit from my loving of life and remember that books need to be read and i do need to find a job. but, i'm on a mission to do exciting things, decided im going to join the dance, debating and conservative societies. - exciting i know. but im also going to go and volunteer somewhere, like tomorow im going to the cat rescue place with my sister because that's where she volunteers and i think something like that would really help me feel like im just doing something whilst im here ticking away until i hit the dust.
i'm also, going to plan for next summer. need to go somewhere and do something.

i wish i could bottle this feeling and down it everytime i felt sad.
:-)
x

Film :-)

Firstly, its september.



i know. being the 2nd of september, that im a bit late on announcing this. but still. its september.

WHAT THE HELL?

its only 4 months til im nineteen. I'm getting old :-( BUT i loves it too.



and Secondly.

its not normal to be this hyper and awake and happy and excited and generally just in love with the world after two nights of hardcore partying, pizza eating and raver dancing.
but i am so there we are.

last night was great, and because i went by myself it was so exciting just to talk to people i didnt really know. luckily there was quite a group of people that i did know from college and its amazing how just being friendly and doing high fives can mean you just make really good friends with people you normally just nod at in the corridor. AND big news.

okay, so it's not that big news, its just me on an ego trip because i guy that i really admire (possibly fancy if my 22% straightness is on and working) said some really nice things about me!
the person we are talking about here was my film teacher who for the first six weeks i thought was an absolute twat, and then for the rest of the two years really liked him, which i think says a lot about how my mind works in straight ways - ie complicatedly. and so, emma, who was in my film studies class and who got AAAA and an AEA Distinction in English lit, was talking to me about that she saw kevin on enrollment day (for her sister) and he was saying that i got the highest mark in my film studies coursework (wooooooooh) even beating emma which she was shocked at lol and that i am a natural writer, and whilst her script was too complex, mine flowed and it was excellent!
*does a little dance of joy* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

so i am looking for my pen drive, so i can read through my script and smile to myself and then i might put it up on here for your viewing pleasure.
but im so proud because my coursework wasnt just my script but i did a project on German Expressionism as well, which was kevins idea because i hadnt a clue what to do, so to go from not knowing anything about german expressionism, to getting 110/120 in my coursework. is a bit fucking brilliant.
and then i got 87/90 on FS6 which i realise means nothing to you. but im so happy.
and then to keep it in perspective, i got 60/90 on FS5 which was french new wave, so, not a complete and utter brain box. but you know, pretty damm good.
FS6 in case you are wondering, which you probably arent, is about theories, such as shocking cinema and the use of subject matter and cinematic techniques, Fandom; the behaviour of fans - which i found really difficult and then all of a sudden just "got" which was useful, and Gender theory which was a bit like fandom in which i just faked it til i made it.

okay, so think i may have stumbled sooo far off topic that ive not a clue what my original point was, and ive not yet found the goodness of my previous blogging style on lunarstorm. which is now dead. but, i will get there.

okay, so seeing as im sat here in last nights clothes i should probably go and feed the rabbits and either sleep or start washing and packing for scoooootland.

excitement.
x

People Suck.

I have come to this conclusion. And although whilst it is clearly negative, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Like last night, i had an absolutely mental night, despite there being 3 girls and 2 guys which meant i was the lemon with no-one to talk to for the most of the night. And emily and beth, being the clever girls that they are wore rediculous shoes meaning they couldnt dance much, while i was on two pro plus and flat shoes and meant i was a quote "proper little raver" mostly by myself.

On dancing by yourself; its great. On a packed dance floor obviously. I dont think id try dancing by myself on a smaller dance floor, but this was big and packed and fake smoke filled. For the first two minutes i was as self conscious as hell dancing with clearly no-one in particular and then i was just like "i came here to dance so im dancing" and i did and it was absolutely brilliant. fully decided that i love a bit of electro/techno/whatever it is that means you can dance like crazy.

And, i have further decided that i do not in anyway look "up for it" which ive heard from reliable sources is why men go and dance with particular girls. i decided this because only one drunken guy decided to try his luck (where i kept to a strict three feet distance at all times haha - he was twice my age, and had a silver tooth..... fittie!) but even he clearly realised that it was pointless trying to talk to me or grope me. which i like. there is nothing more uncomfortable than having to forcibly remove hands from your waist. *shudders*

but people also suck because they let you down. im at a birthday party tonight, by myself. i invited two people to come with me and neither one of them can make it. and i had plans for today that are no longer plans. which is why im typing this in my pjs at 3 o clock (i only went to bed at half fiveee!)
and maybe, maybe i should take it as a sign that my friends aren't reliable. and perhaps there is a bit of truth in that, as the 3 girls that went out for beths bday last night, were the 3 people that went out for my bday (birthday crew wooh wooh) meaning that the rest of my friends, dont make the effort but then. they all have their plausible excuses i suppose.

so whatever, im going by myself tonight, not staying late because i have to get the bus home and last night just walking to the bus stop meant harrassment by chavs (i live in a nice area *sobs*) but yeah, part of me was like "urgh i dont wanna turn up on my own, mainly because im not sure where this place is, and i wont know that many people there" but on thinking about it, i have a good idea of where it is, and il know a few people there. and plus i spent a tenner on a present that is not going to be wasted. although, it still needs wrapping, because large photo albums scare the shit out of me wrapping wise. i tried once and failed yesterday.

so this whole revelation of "its okay to do stuff by yourself" has made me feel really good about myself, stood on my own last night i had no urge to text anyone other than my sister "i am a lemonnnnnn" and it just means, that whilst i love my friends, and am gonna miss them, and whilst i will make lots of new friends, really the only person you can rely on is yourself and you always have to do what's right for you.

and i also now want to go traveling on my own.
but, i think i shall wait until after uni, seeing as i stayed up til half five this morning so i could go to sleep when it gets light.
im not afraid of the dark. just burglars.

x

downer

so, after the hyperness of yesterday, on a bit of a downer today. id say i had bi polar but i think that would be my hypochondria peeking out.
and you know what, i really need to learn to fucking spell and use grammar again because here i am off to do an english degree and either out of laziness, or stress or perhaps a real medical syndrome, i cant spell and its doing my head it.

today, i did plan to go shopping but im doing that thing where i either spend lots of money or no money and currently its no money. and also i had a really crap nights sleep what with the cat mauling my face, someone putting their bin out at 2 am, being text by the gym at just after 9, being rung on the house phone 4 times before ten, that i think im just going to potter round the house and maybe have a nap, and bake! bought my chocolate chips yesterday so i can make my cookies now.

but i need a loverly outfit for friday, beth bought a fantastic dress yesterday and now we've been ordered "not to outdo her" which i couldnt if i tried but i want to at least look like ive made a good effort in being presentable. so il go to preston tomorow cos i also need to buy preseents.
this weekend is going to be expensive what with taxi costs and presents and what not.

and georgina is being depressing on the msn which is not helping matters but im trying to be the wise voice of wisdom - probably not suceeding toooo well to be honest. haha i think her dissapperaing off line is a bad reaction to my

"dont meh if you get so upset about waiting. just do this year and go and do whatever it is you want to"

but, you cant just "meh" about things in your life. "life's for living so go and get it" - amerie knows a thing or two, like how to make two songs sound incredibly similar because the first one did so well and the next two different sounding songs didnt, for example. OFF TOPIC but oh well.

but i am doing really well about not "meh" - ing about things in my life. for the moment ive let it goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. so perhaps i just feel like i can preach after a relatively small achievement.

although i did "meh" about my a level results because i cared massively for the entire 2 years of doing them so by the end of it, id used up my caring allowance and was just a bit blase about it all. i cant find the accent to put in blase which i doubt is spelt correctly at all. but face, bothered?

and im a bit the same about uni, cos there was never any doubt that i wouldnt go, so now that i am, its a bit like.... soooo? but god its depressing when i realise i really want to find fashion sense out of thin air and its stupid because some days i look really nice and other days i look awful, like yesterday i felt horrible (and yet had a wicked day) and its just bizare how clothing can have such an effect. but walking round h and m yesterday was just like walking round exeter uni and maybe i do have a need to fit in with everyone. and in a way im fighting with myself, cos half of me is like "well screw the fuckers its only clothes" and then the other half is like "but wouldnt it be nice to be considered cool for a change" but then, all my friends think im cool so, it shouldnt matter should it. and talking about it makes me sound so immature, but you cant really say im alone in feeling this because if i was then the entire female magazine industry wouldnt work, shopping wouldnt have any value, wags would be out of a hobby, millions of people wouldnt have a job in retail, tanning salons would go bust etc etc etc,
but i just havent found where i fit comfortably i guess, because i could never throw myself fully into "oh my god i am not talking to her, she is wearing xxxx for gods sake" but, i would like to look nice.

and on that depressing note, im off to clean out the rabbits. FUN TIMES.
x

Facebooook

linked the blog to facebook now, officially, so should probably cut down on the swearing or il get a disapproving poke from my sister.

i am so proud of myself today! had such a good day that im sat here smiling a smile that if it was a sound it would sound like "wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh" and if it was an action if would be a little giddy, gay man style jump and clap.
luckily, managing to hold it all in although seeing as i was talking out loud to myself whilst unpacking my shopping i dont see why i cant just make random moves and sound effects.

i have been to manchester and bought nothing but a big daddy kfc box which frankly i wasted, tried on a horrific purple dress..... pleats? PLEATS?! and went round manchester art gallery, will get the pictures up because after browings the pre-raphellite and victorian pictures we moved onto the interactive section hehehe and then saw the kylie exhibition which i should probably take my dad to see but it finishes this sunday, but my god, how small is this woman? there were loads of outfits and i was "this close" to a mtv award but her jeans must be a size 2 or something equally rediculous.
and then we strolled into urban outfitters where everyone looks like they section off their clothing into different categories and then wear one or more of each category, and tried on a top that would be great for shoplifting it was that baggy.

so i know, you're reading this thinking "and........." but basically that was it but it was sooooooooooooooooooooo much fun.

and ive just got home from asda, using a literally door to door bus service with only me on the bus AND it was free, so sooon i shall be having my tea.

and i realise that this is not my normal blogging style namely because i am happy rather than cynically depressed but i make no apologies.

pishfff. off to make tea now i think.
smiley smileyyyyyyyy
x

all that jazz

and oh the lack of comments just kills me.... doesn't really, couldn't give a shit to be fair although it would be nice i suppose.

but i write this for myself more than anyone else, in a way, i wish i hadnt linked it to my facebook, not sure if anyone on there has read it, but knowing that they could do means i have to edit myself a bit which sucks mucho.

should just write what i like, free speech and all that but it would get me into trouble and i cannot be arsed with trouble.

i cant believe the time it is already today, i was up at five to wave off the parents and sister and that just seems ages away. obvioously after a "nice cup of tea" i went back to bed again and got up at eleven but so much time has just whizzed by since i made myself a gorgeous tuna melt at lunch for breakfast and started planning my meals.
ive just started getting hungry again so i think i will go and bake some biscuits and then get started on my marinated chicken, with pasta and sugarsnap peas. i quite like this cooking marlarky although im trying to make a menu for this week and everytime i sit down and try and do it i end up starving and i am hungry again now.

been tidying my room today, how exciting, got rid of a lot of clothes which is good because i want some new ones and managed to sort everything out for random washes.

tomorow i need to go shopping and gyming and on wednesday i need to go shopping in preston for bday presents and some new clothes maybe, shouldnt really afford but we will see if the 20 pounds my dad left me for food can work out for this week. - hence the menu.

meh, not really in a blogging mood anymore so im not sure why i started blogging to be honest.
oh well.
leave me love and all that jazz.
x

tonight, leave me alone im lonely

firstly, i have come to the conclusion that my blog name is absoultely far too long to type when even the slightest bit drunk.

now, i am not really that drunk tbh, just depressed and tired and slightly tipsy.



but ive just come home early from preston because i was about to sleep on the dance floor, after someone stole my shoe during watermelon football, how fucking rude?



but yeah, five nights of partying and one day of working is not good for the body. i dont drink that much but seriously............ need one hell of a massage and detox right now.



and i need to sort my head out because its getting to the point of needing therapy and thats totally serious, in some small way its taking over part of my life and im now wondering that if i could eternal sunshine my memory whether i would or not, because its my memories that are tormenting me and its actually really annoying, not even the slightest bit enjoyable anymore.

i have discovered a real jealous insecure side of myself which i dislike immensely and i would like it to be gone please.



and now, now now now, that im seeing results on the old body after weeks and weeks of gymness, i need to work on the old dance moves because franky they suck and i am never going to pull anyone with how i move.

on the plus side, my sense of style has devolped somewhat over night and tonight someone said i looked like a hairdresser, which im taking to be a compliment because generally they tend to be on the funky side of fashion and i like that.

wahay, my blog dissapeared but it saved automatically so i dont have to retype it all.

and i think that if i am pressing the wrong buttons it is time for bed.

leave me love if you want. im in need of it. but its unlikely il get it from any of you fuckers.

x

oh, oh, oh

well no-one has commented, how rude. how am i supposed to know if anyone is reading it if no-one comments? because no-one commenting gives the impression that no-one is reading and then, what would be the point of me spending my time sat here talking if no-one is listening? although really perhaps that is the logic behind "not that anyone cares wat i say" because, although nobody cares, im saying it anyway.

i have managed to read one book on my uni reading list today and am feeling very proud of myself, and yes i did read it in one day but really about 1 hour and a half and thats because, it was a shortish book and im a fast reader.

ive just got home from the local pub and realised i have been to that pub for the past 4 nights so its a good job i am moving 250+ miles down the country in 23 days or else id be thinking that i have got somewhat stuck in a rut, although i do spend my nights with different people doing different things wearing different clothes and wearing different drinks, and doesnt that line sound quite lyrical?

"and shes there everynight, with different people doing different things,
wearing different clothes and drinking different drinks, oh oh,
and wouldnt you know that oh, she gets out so much thats shes hardly in and oh,
wouldnt you care that nobody listens to the words she sings,
so why does she bother when nobody hears,
still singing her songs through frustrated tears and oh, oh, oh,
she'll be there till judgement day,
singing oh for the love of god but nobody cares what i say"

i know thats quite simple rhyming but you have to admit that off the top of my head, that is pretty damm good manipulation of the english language.

anyway, back to the topic in hand, which was really so inconsequential that ive forgotten in completely, ive read a book and gone to the pub.
exciting stuff wouldnt you know.

i also drove a car, which was a big and exciting and mildly illegal event.

Heloo

Well, after rudely being moved from lunar, i am here, it's me, Emille, and now that i can't see who is reading my blogs, it's mandatory that you post a comment, if you don't i won't hunt you down or kill you, I'll just feel cheated, upset, hurt, angry, disillusioned and many other adjectives.

It's totally different posting on here than on lunar, so i will take a while to get used to it, bear with me.

And if i get any new readers who dont have a clue who jamper is, or anything like that.... tough. it's not really that vitally important you know what's going on really, you'll soon pick it up or it'll be midly entertaining whilst trying.

x