apparently my blog is under attack from phisers or whatever they are so im making a new one.
not happy about this because il have to change the title of my blog.
although im not srue whether my internet thinks all blogs are phising so we shall see.
its not like anyone reads this anyway.
Friday, 8 February 2008
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Back. for good?
call me egotistical, attention-seeking or just plain nosy but i miss lunarstorm. i miss blogging and being able to spy on the people reading them. it was great. and ive even tried to access their swedish site and blog away on there, the only place ive ever felt completely "safe" to blog onto but you need a kind of civic registration number that you get a as a swedish national. as im not a swedish national, i aint got a number.
annoying also because i was happily guessing my way through swedish on the website and only needed a free translation site once, to google "Personnumret stämmer inte." which is the number i need and dont have. i could have learnt a new language there.
instead im back on here, psyching myself up over the course of whenever to start writing whatever it is that i really feel and stop talking about the things that really aren't that interesting.
from the state of my room, myself and the fact that ive gone from healthy eating to stuffing my face, plus the insomnia,it all tells me that im not feeling too brilliant at the moment. there's no reason apart from the reason that's been haunting me since i was seventeen. but for the moment im trying to block that out. ive talked about it far far far too much and ive got almost nowhere so im reverse psychologing myself and seeing what happens when i dont talk or write about it. the only thing that happens is that i think about it. more than what i managed to reduce it to which was a midly irritating, sometimes insistent niggling in the far right of my head. no need to mention the ache and squeezing-the-air-out-of-my lung feeling that i get too.
they have done studies that prove that heartache is the equal to physical pain. no fucking shit. if scientists took time out to read a little poetry they would realise that not all poets are the overly sensitive types but usually the ones who manage to convey how getting your heart broken is the same feeling as throwing your heart into a blazing inferno, having it trampled on by the entire us army twice, and then giving it to a pack of sex starved, testostrone fuelled lions.
it aint pretty.
needless to say. no matter how much i convince myself otherwise. i'm not over it.
annoying also because i was happily guessing my way through swedish on the website and only needed a free translation site once, to google "Personnumret stämmer inte." which is the number i need and dont have. i could have learnt a new language there.
instead im back on here, psyching myself up over the course of whenever to start writing whatever it is that i really feel and stop talking about the things that really aren't that interesting.
from the state of my room, myself and the fact that ive gone from healthy eating to stuffing my face, plus the insomnia,it all tells me that im not feeling too brilliant at the moment. there's no reason apart from the reason that's been haunting me since i was seventeen. but for the moment im trying to block that out. ive talked about it far far far too much and ive got almost nowhere so im reverse psychologing myself and seeing what happens when i dont talk or write about it. the only thing that happens is that i think about it. more than what i managed to reduce it to which was a midly irritating, sometimes insistent niggling in the far right of my head. no need to mention the ache and squeezing-the-air-out-of-my lung feeling that i get too.
they have done studies that prove that heartache is the equal to physical pain. no fucking shit. if scientists took time out to read a little poetry they would realise that not all poets are the overly sensitive types but usually the ones who manage to convey how getting your heart broken is the same feeling as throwing your heart into a blazing inferno, having it trampled on by the entire us army twice, and then giving it to a pack of sex starved, testostrone fuelled lions.
it aint pretty.
needless to say. no matter how much i convince myself otherwise. i'm not over it.
Friday, 14 September 2007
bloggedly blog
So...... two days to go andn im feeling quite alright about it really. not that nervous, not that excited just, something i knew was going to happen and now its happening and its all good.
im much more worried about the fact that actually when my hair was a bit of a ginger colour, it looked alright, and suited me, and now i have more spots. so thats not good.
so i need to make upify lots and then it'll be alright.
on another note, my sister is trying to stretch my ears. ow.
meh il write this later.
im much more worried about the fact that actually when my hair was a bit of a ginger colour, it looked alright, and suited me, and now i have more spots. so thats not good.
so i need to make upify lots and then it'll be alright.
on another note, my sister is trying to stretch my ears. ow.
meh il write this later.
Saturday, 8 September 2007
health kick
I've had such a relaxing few days of basically doing fuck all. and it's been lovely. managed to get halfway through a journal of the plague year which im going to go and try and hack through again after getting this written and having some healthy dinner.
I've decided to go on a proper health kick because I've realised that i always think im really healthy when I'm clearly very not healthy. So, it's all salad and vitamins from now on. well, not all the time, and this is where i fall down, like last night, after having a really healthy day, i had a glass of baileys and a magnum and tonight is pizza and vodka, because instead of paying money to go out clubbing or for a meal, we're just gonna sit in instead which is good. because ive spent about 40 something pounds this week and im classing that as "not spending much" which i guess it isnt, but when you realise that until i get a job at uni i have only very bare minimum savings to live off, its not good.
hopefuly il get a job pretty quick and once i get my timetable sorted i can work about 4 days and some nights. depending on what happens i might get two jobs although i know that i've got to read lots and i think journal of the plague year has indicated how hard it is to read some books. its only a small book and normally i would have had it finished in a day but, its very rambly and i have a lack of concentration at the moment.
so maybe il just get one job.
but next week i already need to buy Kt Tunstall and yes it is a need, but il be off to morriosons as they're only 7 quid for new chart releases. and i need a frying pan, a can opener and possibly a cheese grater.
i need to get the boxes down from the loft and see what i have because this time next week it'll be the day before im of down there for goooood.
and i need to email the accommodation office on monday cos i wanna know where im staying. im sure id find out sooner or later but id rather it was sooner.
i also need a white shirt and black shorts for school disco night and yay my legs are finally get them out worthy so im chuffed about that.
i also need to freeze my gym membership until xmas when im sure il probably need it.
i could do with a spray tan but its out of the question and i could also do with a cut and colour but thats not gonna happen for a while either.
i know this has turned into a list of needs and wants but its not like anyone is reading this anyway so i mayaswell use it as a diary/planner.
hungry now but the kitten is on me and i dont wanna move him.
I've decided to go on a proper health kick because I've realised that i always think im really healthy when I'm clearly very not healthy. So, it's all salad and vitamins from now on. well, not all the time, and this is where i fall down, like last night, after having a really healthy day, i had a glass of baileys and a magnum and tonight is pizza and vodka, because instead of paying money to go out clubbing or for a meal, we're just gonna sit in instead which is good. because ive spent about 40 something pounds this week and im classing that as "not spending much" which i guess it isnt, but when you realise that until i get a job at uni i have only very bare minimum savings to live off, its not good.
hopefuly il get a job pretty quick and once i get my timetable sorted i can work about 4 days and some nights. depending on what happens i might get two jobs although i know that i've got to read lots and i think journal of the plague year has indicated how hard it is to read some books. its only a small book and normally i would have had it finished in a day but, its very rambly and i have a lack of concentration at the moment.
so maybe il just get one job.
but next week i already need to buy Kt Tunstall and yes it is a need, but il be off to morriosons as they're only 7 quid for new chart releases. and i need a frying pan, a can opener and possibly a cheese grater.
i need to get the boxes down from the loft and see what i have because this time next week it'll be the day before im of down there for goooood.
and i need to email the accommodation office on monday cos i wanna know where im staying. im sure id find out sooner or later but id rather it was sooner.
i also need a white shirt and black shorts for school disco night and yay my legs are finally get them out worthy so im chuffed about that.
i also need to freeze my gym membership until xmas when im sure il probably need it.
i could do with a spray tan but its out of the question and i could also do with a cut and colour but thats not gonna happen for a while either.
i know this has turned into a list of needs and wants but its not like anyone is reading this anyway so i mayaswell use it as a diary/planner.
hungry now but the kitten is on me and i dont wanna move him.
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
Pursuit of happiness
Life is Good.
So, because life is so good, I'm on a mission to make it even better and make sure that it stays forever at a rate of ten smiles a day. Sounds random? it is. But honestly, I don't think I've ever been this happy, with the happiness just coming from within. You know, I'm not happy cos this girl is texting me or that girl kissed me or whatever, I'm just happy being me. I cant think of anything worse than a relationship right now which is soooo funny considering how i have spent the last 3/4 years of my life going from a relationship, to wanting one, to being in one and now, right now, i don't even miss the sex, let alone the cuddles or the presents. Yeah i know that you can see my priorities from the list what with sex coming first and all but, i was never like that really.... it wasnt JUST about the sex. because if it was, i dont think that long distance relationships are really the best way to gurantee sex on a regular basis. but to be honest, i'd scream if i was in a relationship right now, and much as i am happy for everyone and anyone who's making all googly eyes a lot of the time i just want to yell at them to open their stupid googly eyes and just look. around.
but, that is just one sided because, if i was in a fulfiling beautiful relationship, id look at all the single people and be like "aww isnt it a shame you have noone to say they love you" etc etc and im sure at one point i either have done or will do exactly that. but, right now, i just want to rub my beautiful fulfiling relationship with myself in everyone's faces.
and i know that, this is all very ego tripping and "arent i a mother fucking brilliant person" which sounds so up myself its unreal but, for the first time in a very long time, i dont hate myself, i dont need other people to love what i cant love in myself, i dont crave compliments, attention, admiration. I dont need to hear their declarations of undying love. because i've stopped the hating. and only on a simple level. i still hate my spots, wish i was taller, thinner, had the ability to stop a room but, in another way, i dont want all that, and i'm happy without it. really really happy.
and because, i have a tendency to get happy and then get really sad and urgh and especially because it's getting on for winter which is not my best time of year happiness wise, i am thinking of what i can do to continue the happy feeling.
i have noticed in myself, that i have a severe lack of concentration at the moment, and i definately need to perhaps calm down a bit from my loving of life and remember that books need to be read and i do need to find a job. but, i'm on a mission to do exciting things, decided im going to join the dance, debating and conservative societies. - exciting i know. but im also going to go and volunteer somewhere, like tomorow im going to the cat rescue place with my sister because that's where she volunteers and i think something like that would really help me feel like im just doing something whilst im here ticking away until i hit the dust.
i'm also, going to plan for next summer. need to go somewhere and do something.
i wish i could bottle this feeling and down it everytime i felt sad.
:-)
x
So, because life is so good, I'm on a mission to make it even better and make sure that it stays forever at a rate of ten smiles a day. Sounds random? it is. But honestly, I don't think I've ever been this happy, with the happiness just coming from within. You know, I'm not happy cos this girl is texting me or that girl kissed me or whatever, I'm just happy being me. I cant think of anything worse than a relationship right now which is soooo funny considering how i have spent the last 3/4 years of my life going from a relationship, to wanting one, to being in one and now, right now, i don't even miss the sex, let alone the cuddles or the presents. Yeah i know that you can see my priorities from the list what with sex coming first and all but, i was never like that really.... it wasnt JUST about the sex. because if it was, i dont think that long distance relationships are really the best way to gurantee sex on a regular basis. but to be honest, i'd scream if i was in a relationship right now, and much as i am happy for everyone and anyone who's making all googly eyes a lot of the time i just want to yell at them to open their stupid googly eyes and just look. around.
but, that is just one sided because, if i was in a fulfiling beautiful relationship, id look at all the single people and be like "aww isnt it a shame you have noone to say they love you" etc etc and im sure at one point i either have done or will do exactly that. but, right now, i just want to rub my beautiful fulfiling relationship with myself in everyone's faces.
and i know that, this is all very ego tripping and "arent i a mother fucking brilliant person" which sounds so up myself its unreal but, for the first time in a very long time, i dont hate myself, i dont need other people to love what i cant love in myself, i dont crave compliments, attention, admiration. I dont need to hear their declarations of undying love. because i've stopped the hating. and only on a simple level. i still hate my spots, wish i was taller, thinner, had the ability to stop a room but, in another way, i dont want all that, and i'm happy without it. really really happy.
and because, i have a tendency to get happy and then get really sad and urgh and especially because it's getting on for winter which is not my best time of year happiness wise, i am thinking of what i can do to continue the happy feeling.
i have noticed in myself, that i have a severe lack of concentration at the moment, and i definately need to perhaps calm down a bit from my loving of life and remember that books need to be read and i do need to find a job. but, i'm on a mission to do exciting things, decided im going to join the dance, debating and conservative societies. - exciting i know. but im also going to go and volunteer somewhere, like tomorow im going to the cat rescue place with my sister because that's where she volunteers and i think something like that would really help me feel like im just doing something whilst im here ticking away until i hit the dust.
i'm also, going to plan for next summer. need to go somewhere and do something.
i wish i could bottle this feeling and down it everytime i felt sad.
:-)
x
Sunday, 2 September 2007
Film :-)
Firstly, its september.
i know. being the 2nd of september, that im a bit late on announcing this. but still. its september.
WHAT THE HELL?
its only 4 months til im nineteen. I'm getting old :-( BUT i loves it too.
and Secondly.
its not normal to be this hyper and awake and happy and excited and generally just in love with the world after two nights of hardcore partying, pizza eating and raver dancing.
but i am so there we are.
last night was great, and because i went by myself it was so exciting just to talk to people i didnt really know. luckily there was quite a group of people that i did know from college and its amazing how just being friendly and doing high fives can mean you just make really good friends with people you normally just nod at in the corridor. AND big news.
okay, so it's not that big news, its just me on an ego trip because i guy that i really admire (possibly fancy if my 22% straightness is on and working) said some really nice things about me!
the person we are talking about here was my film teacher who for the first six weeks i thought was an absolute twat, and then for the rest of the two years really liked him, which i think says a lot about how my mind works in straight ways - ie complicatedly. and so, emma, who was in my film studies class and who got AAAA and an AEA Distinction in English lit, was talking to me about that she saw kevin on enrollment day (for her sister) and he was saying that i got the highest mark in my film studies coursework (wooooooooh) even beating emma which she was shocked at lol and that i am a natural writer, and whilst her script was too complex, mine flowed and it was excellent!
*does a little dance of joy* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
so i am looking for my pen drive, so i can read through my script and smile to myself and then i might put it up on here for your viewing pleasure.
but im so proud because my coursework wasnt just my script but i did a project on German Expressionism as well, which was kevins idea because i hadnt a clue what to do, so to go from not knowing anything about german expressionism, to getting 110/120 in my coursework. is a bit fucking brilliant.
and then i got 87/90 on FS6 which i realise means nothing to you. but im so happy.
and then to keep it in perspective, i got 60/90 on FS5 which was french new wave, so, not a complete and utter brain box. but you know, pretty damm good.
FS6 in case you are wondering, which you probably arent, is about theories, such as shocking cinema and the use of subject matter and cinematic techniques, Fandom; the behaviour of fans - which i found really difficult and then all of a sudden just "got" which was useful, and Gender theory which was a bit like fandom in which i just faked it til i made it.
okay, so think i may have stumbled sooo far off topic that ive not a clue what my original point was, and ive not yet found the goodness of my previous blogging style on lunarstorm. which is now dead. but, i will get there.
okay, so seeing as im sat here in last nights clothes i should probably go and feed the rabbits and either sleep or start washing and packing for scoooootland.
excitement.
x
i know. being the 2nd of september, that im a bit late on announcing this. but still. its september.
WHAT THE HELL?
its only 4 months til im nineteen. I'm getting old :-( BUT i loves it too.
and Secondly.
its not normal to be this hyper and awake and happy and excited and generally just in love with the world after two nights of hardcore partying, pizza eating and raver dancing.
but i am so there we are.
last night was great, and because i went by myself it was so exciting just to talk to people i didnt really know. luckily there was quite a group of people that i did know from college and its amazing how just being friendly and doing high fives can mean you just make really good friends with people you normally just nod at in the corridor. AND big news.
okay, so it's not that big news, its just me on an ego trip because i guy that i really admire (possibly fancy if my 22% straightness is on and working) said some really nice things about me!
the person we are talking about here was my film teacher who for the first six weeks i thought was an absolute twat, and then for the rest of the two years really liked him, which i think says a lot about how my mind works in straight ways - ie complicatedly. and so, emma, who was in my film studies class and who got AAAA and an AEA Distinction in English lit, was talking to me about that she saw kevin on enrollment day (for her sister) and he was saying that i got the highest mark in my film studies coursework (wooooooooh) even beating emma which she was shocked at lol and that i am a natural writer, and whilst her script was too complex, mine flowed and it was excellent!
*does a little dance of joy* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
so i am looking for my pen drive, so i can read through my script and smile to myself and then i might put it up on here for your viewing pleasure.
but im so proud because my coursework wasnt just my script but i did a project on German Expressionism as well, which was kevins idea because i hadnt a clue what to do, so to go from not knowing anything about german expressionism, to getting 110/120 in my coursework. is a bit fucking brilliant.
and then i got 87/90 on FS6 which i realise means nothing to you. but im so happy.
and then to keep it in perspective, i got 60/90 on FS5 which was french new wave, so, not a complete and utter brain box. but you know, pretty damm good.
FS6 in case you are wondering, which you probably arent, is about theories, such as shocking cinema and the use of subject matter and cinematic techniques, Fandom; the behaviour of fans - which i found really difficult and then all of a sudden just "got" which was useful, and Gender theory which was a bit like fandom in which i just faked it til i made it.
okay, so think i may have stumbled sooo far off topic that ive not a clue what my original point was, and ive not yet found the goodness of my previous blogging style on lunarstorm. which is now dead. but, i will get there.
okay, so seeing as im sat here in last nights clothes i should probably go and feed the rabbits and either sleep or start washing and packing for scoooootland.
excitement.
x
Saturday, 1 September 2007
People Suck.
I have come to this conclusion. And although whilst it is clearly negative, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Like last night, i had an absolutely mental night, despite there being 3 girls and 2 guys which meant i was the lemon with no-one to talk to for the most of the night. And emily and beth, being the clever girls that they are wore rediculous shoes meaning they couldnt dance much, while i was on two pro plus and flat shoes and meant i was a quote "proper little raver" mostly by myself.
On dancing by yourself; its great. On a packed dance floor obviously. I dont think id try dancing by myself on a smaller dance floor, but this was big and packed and fake smoke filled. For the first two minutes i was as self conscious as hell dancing with clearly no-one in particular and then i was just like "i came here to dance so im dancing" and i did and it was absolutely brilliant. fully decided that i love a bit of electro/techno/whatever it is that means you can dance like crazy.
And, i have further decided that i do not in anyway look "up for it" which ive heard from reliable sources is why men go and dance with particular girls. i decided this because only one drunken guy decided to try his luck (where i kept to a strict three feet distance at all times haha - he was twice my age, and had a silver tooth..... fittie!) but even he clearly realised that it was pointless trying to talk to me or grope me. which i like. there is nothing more uncomfortable than having to forcibly remove hands from your waist. *shudders*
but people also suck because they let you down. im at a birthday party tonight, by myself. i invited two people to come with me and neither one of them can make it. and i had plans for today that are no longer plans. which is why im typing this in my pjs at 3 o clock (i only went to bed at half fiveee!)
and maybe, maybe i should take it as a sign that my friends aren't reliable. and perhaps there is a bit of truth in that, as the 3 girls that went out for beths bday last night, were the 3 people that went out for my bday (birthday crew wooh wooh) meaning that the rest of my friends, dont make the effort but then. they all have their plausible excuses i suppose.
so whatever, im going by myself tonight, not staying late because i have to get the bus home and last night just walking to the bus stop meant harrassment by chavs (i live in a nice area *sobs*) but yeah, part of me was like "urgh i dont wanna turn up on my own, mainly because im not sure where this place is, and i wont know that many people there" but on thinking about it, i have a good idea of where it is, and il know a few people there. and plus i spent a tenner on a present that is not going to be wasted. although, it still needs wrapping, because large photo albums scare the shit out of me wrapping wise. i tried once and failed yesterday.
so this whole revelation of "its okay to do stuff by yourself" has made me feel really good about myself, stood on my own last night i had no urge to text anyone other than my sister "i am a lemonnnnnn" and it just means, that whilst i love my friends, and am gonna miss them, and whilst i will make lots of new friends, really the only person you can rely on is yourself and you always have to do what's right for you.
and i also now want to go traveling on my own.
but, i think i shall wait until after uni, seeing as i stayed up til half five this morning so i could go to sleep when it gets light.
im not afraid of the dark. just burglars.
x
Like last night, i had an absolutely mental night, despite there being 3 girls and 2 guys which meant i was the lemon with no-one to talk to for the most of the night. And emily and beth, being the clever girls that they are wore rediculous shoes meaning they couldnt dance much, while i was on two pro plus and flat shoes and meant i was a quote "proper little raver" mostly by myself.
On dancing by yourself; its great. On a packed dance floor obviously. I dont think id try dancing by myself on a smaller dance floor, but this was big and packed and fake smoke filled. For the first two minutes i was as self conscious as hell dancing with clearly no-one in particular and then i was just like "i came here to dance so im dancing" and i did and it was absolutely brilliant. fully decided that i love a bit of electro/techno/whatever it is that means you can dance like crazy.
And, i have further decided that i do not in anyway look "up for it" which ive heard from reliable sources is why men go and dance with particular girls. i decided this because only one drunken guy decided to try his luck (where i kept to a strict three feet distance at all times haha - he was twice my age, and had a silver tooth..... fittie!) but even he clearly realised that it was pointless trying to talk to me or grope me. which i like. there is nothing more uncomfortable than having to forcibly remove hands from your waist. *shudders*
but people also suck because they let you down. im at a birthday party tonight, by myself. i invited two people to come with me and neither one of them can make it. and i had plans for today that are no longer plans. which is why im typing this in my pjs at 3 o clock (i only went to bed at half fiveee!)
and maybe, maybe i should take it as a sign that my friends aren't reliable. and perhaps there is a bit of truth in that, as the 3 girls that went out for beths bday last night, were the 3 people that went out for my bday (birthday crew wooh wooh) meaning that the rest of my friends, dont make the effort but then. they all have their plausible excuses i suppose.
so whatever, im going by myself tonight, not staying late because i have to get the bus home and last night just walking to the bus stop meant harrassment by chavs (i live in a nice area *sobs*) but yeah, part of me was like "urgh i dont wanna turn up on my own, mainly because im not sure where this place is, and i wont know that many people there" but on thinking about it, i have a good idea of where it is, and il know a few people there. and plus i spent a tenner on a present that is not going to be wasted. although, it still needs wrapping, because large photo albums scare the shit out of me wrapping wise. i tried once and failed yesterday.
so this whole revelation of "its okay to do stuff by yourself" has made me feel really good about myself, stood on my own last night i had no urge to text anyone other than my sister "i am a lemonnnnnn" and it just means, that whilst i love my friends, and am gonna miss them, and whilst i will make lots of new friends, really the only person you can rely on is yourself and you always have to do what's right for you.
and i also now want to go traveling on my own.
but, i think i shall wait until after uni, seeing as i stayed up til half five this morning so i could go to sleep when it gets light.
im not afraid of the dark. just burglars.
x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)